I was bored. No electricity. No money. No side jobs. I just thought I should list these things. Hope you enjoy it.
Ermm…it is a non-exhaustive list. Do your own, if you don’t like this one.
Nigerians like…
1. Porn – You need to see Google statistics for this. And when you realise that the porn industry in Nigeria is a multi-million dollar industry, you just smile.
2. Fake life – You need explanation for this? The excuse is to make it till you make it, or feel among the big names.
3. Pizza/Shawarma/Asun – The usual response to ‘what should we buy’ as per junk food, is either of these. The craze is amazing – except when the buying power is low.
4. Expensive cars – Nigerians are fucking show offs. We gats look big to feel big. But these cars get specs shaa. Why you no go buy?
5. Copy cat – Copy copy no go kill us shaa. But, we no dey copy wella. It is control c, then control p.
6. Coldstone/milkshake/paffet – Coldstone shaa. That company must have entered the Nigerian market with juju. The milkshake/paffet is because the name sounds posh. Not that people really like it.
7. Karaoke – Nigerians love fun and karaoke is one way to catch fun. Thank God it is not about the voice, it is the fun.
8. Boat cruise – People dey fear water but like this one. Una never see mammy water, na why. Or maybe it is the word ‘cruise’ that excites people.
9. Internet fraud – E get why. But the excuses are flimsy shaa. For this one, it is mostly because the ‘payments’ come in hard/foreign currency.
10. Cultism – This is more a need to feel among and be able to oppress other people. Also, a likeness towards unsustainable freedom.
11. Owambe – Talk a walk around town, every day of the week. Either a wedding, a burial, a house warming, a naming ceremony, a birthday party, etc.
12. High end phones – Same as cars. A lot of people don’t use the phones like they should. So, it is the show off.
13. iPhones – Like the Maitama in contrast to Dei Dei craze. Sigh. “How do you stay in Ketu and use an android phone?” But the cameras are gracious biko.
14. Netflix and chill – Lmao! I don’t know why I am laughing but yeah, Nigerians love using the phrase though. But why won’t you love Netflix and chill? And no, not sex after.
15. Mall window shopping – A lot of people who visit malls just go there for sight seeing. We no get money abeg. Walk around, sample Gucci glasses worth ₦25,000, take pictures for the gram and go home in an Uber. This must be fun though.
16. Clout chasing – Nigerians are the clout itself. Yet, there are too many people who just spit out the trash so as to be talked about. Must be boredom.
17. Hyping rubbish – Lol! It’s sometimes funny how we hype the worst things. Trash music, trash movie, trash behaviour. Sometimes, it’s the cult following behaviour, at other times, it’s just people who love trash stuff.
18. Chicken and chips – Just add chicken and chips to the menu. And, when Nigerians don’t understand all the ‘French pork with moisturised snail’ options, Chicken and chips falls into place immediately.
19. Point and kill – The idea itself is enough to draw likes. “Abeg, give me that one wey the head round.” “No the one wey face the green one.”
20. Beer – This one is literally strange. But that thing dey bitter na. How una take dey drink am? And, yes, beer companies make hundreds of million of dollars annually. Talk about Nigerians who just love to have conversations over beer, not Irish rice and semi cooked salad.
21. Spirits/liqueur – Been in high spirits must be fun though. A lot of spiritual thoughts running through. But, we need to learn to drink responsibly.
22. Beach hangouts – If “let’s go to the beach” in hangout conversations is absent, it is more likely people from Northern Nigeria having the convo. Una no dey tire?
23. Sex work – As much as we don’t agree that many of us are sex workers, it is true. We give it posh or hustle-sounding names, deny it, pretend but love it all the same and practice it diligently. We all are not just on the street like the others.
24. Make noise about fitness – The fuss! Can we hear word please?
25. Bleaching – More inferiority complex than the idea to look fine and fair. Because we have more black fine people.
26. Bone straight – This one entered our lexicon the minute it became a thing. Simply put, y’all do the most.
27. Tattoos – Even with the pain, we still want to paint our body. But, the end point is usually fulfilling, so why not?
28. Comedy skits – Talk about things that take our minds off being a Nigerian. I mean, the billion billion bribery stories are quite depressing.
29. Influencer trash – You’re automatically an influencer once you hit 5k followers. At this point, you must have an opinion about everything, even when you have no idea. Interestingly, you can grow followers with all the trash talk. Many of these people are Digital Marketers not influencers.
30. Shortcuts – There has to be shorter way through the tunnel when you are dealing with Nigerians, because they love the idea of getting done with the business in no time.
31. Tinted hair – Yaaas! Because we love colours. And, we all know colours make us feel good. Not forgetting it adds beauty.
32. Hypocrisy – Wetin you gain if you no pretend? Come out on Twitter cursing LGBT guys and doing the most in your private quarters.
33. Eye service – This one is an irritating behaviour. It is a look-busy-do-nothing-productive attitude.
34. Leg work – These days, that is the only dance. Can we see road please?
35. Wizkid – Arguably the most liked artist in the country.
36. Groundnut – The gossip material. Like corn, but not seasonal. Before I forget, it is also drinking garri’s indispensable companion.
37. Bribery/Corruption – Everybody ni ole. Na wetin dem sing be that. Bribery, corruption are now legal citizens, and even the courts have joined the system.
38. Religion – Interesting how we love religion more than the people who brought it to us. You must be a pagan if you don’t love religion in Nigeria. Sad disposition.
39. Tribalism – One Nigeria and we spend half the day stereotyping other tribes.
40. Ahmed Musa – Nigeria’s Super Eagles Captain and one of many players who have gone abroad and come back to play for a Nigerian club.
41. Instagram – The only platform where you can fake the life and be counted among the ‘few’. Where you can sell. Where you can lick lips and feel sexy. It is actually a good place to be.
42. Social media commerce – You have an idea, a business, a solution, have a phone, data and social media apps installed, please why won’t you love selling on social media? Easy to reach more people in no time and at once. Except that we need to stop using trends to sell shaa.
43. Big bum – Bum bum is life oo. Notwithstanding your sexual orientation, you have to love bum bum please. Or, yes, Nigerians do love bum bum.
44. 8 inches or more – If you don’t see a conversation on penis every day on the timeline, except LinkedIn, you probably have not opened any social media app that day. The openness in the discussion is sweet mehn!
45. Big breast – Not all kids are young.
46. Tacha – Tacha must have used voodoo (Oyinbo juju because it is quite strong) on Nigerians. The love is undying.
47. Body shaming – Subtly, openly, banter, Nigerians body shame using different formats and it is sad.
48. Poverty shaming – Before you say anything on social media, the intended receiver of the message has already called out the sender for being poor and jobless. That is just one example.
49. Art – Who says we don’t? Check again.
50. Tech – We may be lazy oo, but we love tech. Makes life easy.
51. Festivals – The new generation may not be traditional but we love festivals. Only that the government is used to killing things like that. Also, you remember how Nigerians carry Halloween on their heads like Champions League – yeah, that is it.
52. Beef/Ponmo – Argue with your plate of food.
53. Zee World – Nigerians like drama. And when you see people sit to talk about the movies in there, you gotta smile mehn!
54. Africa Magic – Home video is our thing. Argue with your ancestors. We complain about the stories, the acting, the directing but still go back.
55. Rest – Who no like sleep abeg? But rest is not all sleep, it is also leaving work for a minute and Nigerians love that idea, as long as the money is not going to be affected. But, sadly, many do not take rest seriously.
56. Travel/tourism – The idea of travelling excites Nigerians more than you will realise. See new things, be in an airplane, a road trip, going to the village (to show you have arrived). No argument the travel/tourism industry in Nigeria continues to grow.
57. Scenery – Architecture: exciting buildings, bridges, roads. Then nature.
58. Entrepreneurship – We can sell eh! These days, more people want to answer CEO/ Founder, but e get grade shaa. Also, we dabble into entrepreneurship, understanding nothing of what goes on in there.
59. Professional competition – Nigerians like to outdo themselves and it sometimes gets messy and diabolical. The professional space is full of professional politicians who do not want to be called politicians. But this attitude also pushes Nigerians to bring their A-game to the table.
60. Football betting – How betting became a thing in Nigeria is magical. But, why not? Where you wan get work? Also because we love money doubling.
61. Hardwork – We are not lazy. We love to do the work (and be paid for it. Note to perpetual debtors). But, we sometimes ignore smart work shaa.
62. Gist/gossip – You are prolly not a Nigerian if you do not like gist or gossip. Some people claim not to like gossip, but give them ten minutes and they will show themselves. Who does not like to know which other celebrity has impregnated another girl?
63. Whiteness – The ‘I am white’ idea really makes Nigerians shed tears of joy. This is what informs bleaching skins, and love for anything produced by a white human.
64. Politics – As much as many Nigerians show lack lustre attitude towards politics, there are many others who love the idea of politics.
65. Urgent 2k – Don’t laugh please. LMAO! Urgent 2k is a metaphor for ‘money you are not using’, or ‘please, I need to do this or pay for something’.
66. Football – You must be a boring person if you do not like football. I mean, there’s male and female football. Choose one. Love it, notwithstanding your gender. Meanwhile, who does not like football?
67. Ponzi schemes – if another ponzi scheme becomes popular in the country today, I don’t think anyone should be surprised. Because, before MMM, other ponzi schemes have dealt with Nigerians, but they keep going back. Do not be surprised that Nigerians still do these things when the lights are out.
68. Education – ‘School na scam’ is sheer hypocrisy. Nigerians really love the idea of being educated. And, if not for the diabolism we have to go through to become professors, we would have had more Nigerians with Professor in front of their names. Just look at how many Nigerians have become education tourists in the last twenty years.
69. Investing – Just tell Nigerians that the money they are investing will triple in three months and you have them in your pocket.
70. Wahala – Strong head, fucking stubborn people, troublemakers. Use those for Nigerians and you will not mincing words. Peace is usually not an option for Nigerians.
71. Food – Even food allergists like me won’t say no to this. May not like good food, but like junk. Let the mouth be moving somehow shaa.
72. Sex – Thank God people tell themselves the truth these days.
73. Money – I mean….what can I say?
74. Blood money – What people in the dark for money should be studied in shrines. And yes, the big big thieving money from politics/government and internet fraud is also blood money.
75. Gadgets – E-commerce sites/malls will testify.
76. FIFA – More than PES; always.
77. ‘I too know’/over sabi – But, there has to be balance though. The olodos and the over sabis. Such a glorious combination.
78. Free Wi-Fi – Even the CEO of Dangote Group of Companies will jump at the idea of free Wi-Fi.
79. Free subscriptions – Una dey pay for anything? Always looking for how to hack or get a free version of streaming sites, and other platforms that require subscription. I marvelled when someone wanted to sell ‘free Netflix’ to me.
80. Bread – Just ask bread companies ‘how far?’ Then the bread is cheap and has butter…sigh of joy. I do not like bread though – as per food allergies.
81. Jollof rice – This one is simply a Nigerian citizen.
82. Scam – Familial scam, parental scam, friendly scam, harmless scam, intention to repay scam, political scam, professional scam, name it.
83. Easy life – “I just want to be taken care of”. No stress please.
84. Photoshoot – Lol! Photographers must have too many stories to tell. We love to look fine; cameras and photoshop does the job just good.
85. Foreign fashion – This is why adire is yet a national citizen. Look inwards, una no gree.
86. Chatting – You must have heard the word chattrovert.
87. Tiwa Savage – Our own mummy, even though she says we don’t love her in Nigeria. “A prophet is not respected in his…” Aunty please, Nigerians love you, a lot.
88. Odunlade Adekola – Yoruba or not, Odunlade sees a lot of love go his way. It is filmically proven that many people only watch Yoruba movies when Odunlade is in it. He’s also our meme god – after aki and pawpaw.
89. Genevieve Nnaji – if ‘no stress’ were a human being. Takes big steps without making noise. Omotola Jalade-Ekeinde could easily be on the list too.
90. Glo – Nigerians will complain bitterly. Scream, cry, frown and still keep the SIM in their phones. You don’t like the free stuff they offer? Sufferhead is good, as long as Nigerians see the free stuff alongside it.
91. Zenith Bank – Even me don’t know what to say here.
92. Lasisi Elenu – Not the biggest comedian but the one who arguably trends the most. The way he attacks issues is grand.
93. Taooma – The slap, the way she does the ads, the true life stories she retells, you have to relate.
94. Manchester United – Easily the club with the most fans. Una see Atletico Madrid dey follow Man UTD upandan. Na that sufferhead thing shaa.
95. Reality TV – Nigerians like to see themselves in others and reality TV offers that. More like validating their bias for bad behaviour.
96. Aso Ebi – You cannot take this away. It could be as simple as ‘white babariga’.
97. General Muhammadu Buhari – really? This name is on this list? Well, we do. Depending on the way you define ‘like’.
98. Urban lifestyle – That is why village people want to go to the city for greener pastures.
99. Slangs – Not arguable.
100. Omoleye Omoruyi – You mean you don’t love me too? Common! We gotta be friends.
Lord Rickie Speaks 
Leave a comment