If Buhari and Fashola had a conversation

This is totes fiction. Omoleye was never part, directly or indirectly, of a conversation between Muhammadu Buhari and Babatunde Fashola and has never met them together in the same room. 

But, what if they took a walk and talked?

Buhari and Fashola had met at the wedding of Mallam Danjiti’s wedding and, like GenZ kids who hangout for no reason other than to waste valuable resources, they decided to meet at Buhari’s new home – the retirement home he built after he signed off from Aso Rock.

‘You should come see my new house in Daura. Your recommendation did the job well, and the road that leads to the house,’ Buhari said, smiling like a lustful teenager.

‘Aha! I knew he would,’ Fashola responded. He had received his share of the contract, so it was a big deal for him. He opened his teeth awkwardly remembering his cut from the deal.

‘But, it was too expensive. The man used dollar rate and transportation issues to collect so much money from me.’

Fashola had to find a way to run from this conversation.

‘You know what? I’d come by on Saturday to see the work and do post-ministry inspection.’

‘Great! I would be expecting you. Bring one of those Yoruba caps on your way.’

‘You’ll never wear it Baba.’

‘I know. I’m just pretending I like the Yoruba culture.’

They both laughed hysterically. Even Dracula sounded better. One of Fashola’s aides who was with him wondered how he was laughing at such a joke – or whatever it was.

It was now Saturday and Fashola literally forced himself to Daura.

‘Wetin I wan go find for there sef?’ The Lagos in him shot out. His wife, who sat on a chair close to him, pushed her head back and gave a stern look.

She had asked him to find an excuse not to go and stay out of the news for now. But, he insisted.

‘I want to say that thing young people say to themselves,’ short silence, ‘ehen! ‘Lol’. I told you severally to find an excuse, but you said he’s your oga.’

‘You’re not helping.’

‘Give me a break. If you listened earlier you’d have come up with an excuse not to go. But, here we are.’

‘Too late now, aunty.’

Buhari’s new house has a helipad on its roof, so Fashola took that option. Buhari had told him that towns like Danbatta, Kazaure had bad elements and a lot of checkpoints. He would not want his visitor to be stressed. So, he could not use the road he had maintained.

‘Sallam alaikum!’

‘Wa-alaikum Salaam! My friend Fashola is here. I just randomly remembered how Fashola came to my office in 2018 vibrating on how his fire is almost dead. I didn’t understand him, so he explained saying ‘You have to remove one ministry.’ I laughed so hard.’

Everyone in the room enjoyed the joke except Fashola but he laughed too. Buhari’s grandchildren were there so it was awkward.

‘I said to myself that this was a good opportunity to put Saleh in office. You know, give him something to do. But, we know how that ended. Very incompetent.’

They all laughed again. Fashola’s wife has asked him one time why they all thought Buhari is funny. He remembered that now. Another person in the room wondered if Buhari understood the meaning of the word.

‘Let me take you on a tour of the house.’

Fashola was exhausted pre-visit. This was going to be like he was driving an old Coca-Cola truck.

Fashola and Buhari were back in no time and the room had emptied. Fashola now felt more comfortable.

During the tour, a journalist from a dying newspaper, Daura Declaration, wanted to see Buhari. He caused a scene because this was too important for the paper and caused Buhari to ask his security detail to detain him until he was done with Fashola.

‘I’d speak to him, but he needs to drink hot water first.’

People around laughed. Fashola could not determine if Buhari’s breath contained laughing gas or everyone were just plain ass-lickers. But, he was also in the everyone group. So, he changed his thoughts.

‘So, what’s next for you Fashola?’

‘I am still trying to understand how our administration went. A lot happened within that period and it’s been overwhelming.’

‘You’ve investigative skills Fashola. I mean, you found a camera somewhere in Lagos where no one saw it.’

Buhari laughed. Fashola smiled. Not funny.

‘What if Tinubu called you up to be Minister again?’

‘Oh no! I paid my dues. Time to rest and do more retirement-based jobs.’

‘Fasholaaaa. Yoruba man!’

Fashola was confused. ‘Is that news?’ He said to himself.

‘So, you want to be ambassador and don’t want to be part of the renewed hope regime?’

‘But, ambassadors are part of government,’ Fashola thought to himself.

‘Baba, I’ve spent the last eight years coordinating projects across Nigeria, I think it’s time to take a break.’

‘Knowing you two have a good relationship, I’d think you’d be part of Tinubu’s administration.’

‘Well, if he calls me up and it’s a juicy one, I may consider it.’

‘I knew it!’

Buhari was laughing alone now. Fashola pretended to be doing something on his phone.

‘We need people like you in his government.’

‘Why Baba?’ This question was a mix of curiosity, validation and hypocrisy. He smiled before Buhari started responding.

‘You know Fashola. Tinubu’s government isn’t a popular one.’ He whispered, ‘even I didn’t support his emergence at the beginning.’ He paused, trying to get a reaction from Fashola. Seeing an ‘I don’t care’ face, he continued.

‘The man even spoilt the whole thing with his emi lokan mantra.’

‘But, he didn’t lie. He had prepared for this for a long time. And, was this not the agreement you two had?’

‘Honestly that was before I knew his people don’t like him as much as my people like me. I didn’t even need votes from the South to win 2019, or even 2015.’

‘His people like him. It’s just fear of backlash that made them less communicative during the period. You know, the Obi children. There’s also the issue of religion.’

‘That one! If I knew that’d work, I’d have done the same.’

‘Why?’

‘What is the use of having a Christian vice president if he’d make me look incompetent? Many of you know that’s why I stopped handing over to him. A Muslim vice would have been perfect. My brother won’t embarrass me.’

‘People emit different auras. Prof’s own is different from yours. It was even obvious it was only people from the South that loved him. If he was an all-round starboy as they called him, he would have won the primaries.’

‘Interesting. So, back to Tinubu. Do you think he’d succeed?’

Fashola laughed hard this time. He kept laughing that Buhari joined in.

‘Why are you laughing Fashola?’